[He shakes his head; yeah, he's scared of that tone, but they said to try — he just. Doesn't know how to even begin to explain how he feels. He isn't sure how to bypass that scary little tone and he's too afraid to let Netherlands speak. But now his train of thought is derailed; he has no idea how to lay it all on the table.]
You're good family! You can fix the things you don't like! You're good!
[Oh, Christ, he wants to scoop the kid up and he even sounds like it - like it physically pains him to be so far apart when they're speaking like this.]
Don't promise when it's not a real promise! [Because he knows you're a good dad. Even if you think you're not. Even if you'd mess up a lot — you're a good dad. You and Kaze, you're the good guys. You're good!] I know you're — it's not like that, because I love you like you are and you make the best d —
It's not like that!!
[His voice raises in frustration, slowly building little by little with hurt.]
[The swell of pride that threatens to choke probably speaks just as much as that frustrated little voice. It is a real promise, or so he thinks, and the kid is probably delusioned, has the Heather problem of seeing things only in a good light.
So he lets out a long breath and tries not to spit out anything stupid.]
You... [oh jesus christ you love him] Takeshi?
[Do they actually have to do this over the network he is horrible with these sorts of things and hates the network on principle.]
[He's about to tell him something he doesn't want to hear. He's gonna — tell him he wishes he never had to take care of him, that it would have been easier. He's gonna tell him that it can't work, won't work, sorry. All those people were wrong, he'll say, and he doesn't want to be family. Family. After so much learning, learning that 'family' isn't always someone ignoring you and people hurting you... learning you can sit on someone's shoulder or take cute pictures with them or get food, eat together...
He's gonna turn him away.
He said he couldn't be a dad. Said he wasn't good family.
He doesn't want him, does he? Not like how Takeshi hoped for. But it's not fair that he treats him like this... gives him food, bathes him, takes naps and reads stories... kisses his cheek and pats his head... It's not fair.]
It's not fair.
[chokes it out quietly, heart thoroughly flattened and reading too much into everything
He turns off the comm, leaves it behind, and escapes his room before he can even hear Ned say his name.]
[Somewhat pleading and very insistent and way too late. Also way too late - arriving to knock at the kid's door, and he's somewhat pissed that he never insisted upon being allowed access, but that's just - the moment - after long enough he determines that he's not going to get any answer whether in person or by comms.
And that... all he can think of is that Takeshi has gone out into the ship, done something stupid, like Heather or Wichita and that he won't come back or will come back wrong. Irrational. Takeshi - knows better - right?]
It only takes two tries for her to decide fuck it and run from the kitchens to his room. Barely notices Netherlands as she waves Takeshi's door open, and when his room is empty and his communicator left laying there like that - ]
[Buddy, it is so not the time you have no idea. And she's about to say something to that effect, explain why she's so worried, when she turns and gets a good look at his face. His eyes.
[His eyes say so much more than the rest of him does, and now is no exception. He's worried. He thinks he fucked it all up. He's worrying over the worst of things, that Takeshi ran out into the middle of the ship or curled up to someone who shouldn't be near him or is confused and scared and most of all alone.]
Yeah.
[Factual. Just as sharp in return, but nothing about it has to do with her. It's just easier that way.]
[More than enough. Her eyes leave his face, casting about the room to see if anything's gone that might give some sort of clue to Takeshi's location (nothing is, that she can see - apparently when he left, he just plain left) and her right hand balling up at her side, so tight her knuckles pop.]
[She doesn't know anything, but she's got an idea and it's not a nice one. If she's right then she really fucked up, and it's hard to imagine him doing any better.]
[Netherlands. Of all the fucking times to start tiptoeing around you pick now? She takes a breath, sets her jaw and looks him in the eye, making no secret of the way she's trying to get the answer even if he won't give it willingly.]
[Not like she was expecting better, but it's way worse knowing they both fucked it up at the same time.
The little guy must feel so alone. It's like a fist to the gut, and rather than look at Takeshi's empty room and the hopeful little drawings in there she turns it outward, to anger.]
You get what he was asking us for, don't you. Why he might feel like he'd need that here.
[Oh, he cares. It's just easier to function when he's completely closed up and right now he has to be able to function, can't afford a breakdown or panic attack or - argument, definitely not - which is probably what is going to happen but he turns and reaches out to grab her arm anyway.
Because keeping her from doing something stupid is equally as important.]
[Her eyes flare when he grabs her arm and she jerks it back - not really caring if it even comes out of his grip ( by now she knows it won't, unless he wants to let it), so long as he sees that she is Not Happy About It. She'd figured it out, god damn it, and then the kid took off before she had the chance to fix it.]
Us. He asked me if I want to be a mom, and by the time I realized what he was really asking me something scared him off. I have to find him.
[Brick. Wall. Everything about him is so carefully neutral it's almost polished, except a flicker of frustration as his fingers tighten involuntarily when she tries to jerk away. He doesn't let her go (can't, actually, and if that isn't a little alarming).]
What was - [Takeshi asking, but now isn't the time - there's no huff and hardly a pause between the topic switch, and the only tell that he even noticed that barbed something of hers is that his eyes go to the floor, hidden away from hers.] Where are you going, then.
[The implication being and you're holding me up. No trace of doubt about it working; she's done it before, why shouldn't she able to do it again? But he's hurting, and even if he's just holed up here with someone else she needs to find him, needs to explain.]
[Not looking at her face, so he'll probably miss the way her eyes narrow at that first remark. He won't miss the way her hand rises to his and starts trying to pry his fingers away, though.]
He's not an errand you can just send somebody to run for you! He needs to know that somebody gives a shit! I can find him, I've done it before. I've always been able to find people.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Voice]
You're good family! You can fix the things you don't like! You're good!
[Voice]
I'm not. I promise.
[Voice]
It's not like that!!
[His voice raises in frustration, slowly building little by little with hurt.]
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[The swell of pride that threatens to choke probably speaks just as much as that frustrated little voice. It is a real promise, or so he thinks, and the kid is probably delusioned, has the Heather problem of seeing things only in a good light.
So he lets out a long breath and tries not to spit out anything stupid.]
You... [oh jesus christ you love him] Takeshi?
[Do they actually have to do this over the network he is horrible with these sorts of things and hates the network on principle.]
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He's gonna turn him away.
He said he couldn't be a dad. Said he wasn't good family.
He doesn't want him, does he? Not like how Takeshi hoped for. But it's not fair that he treats him like this... gives him food, bathes him, takes naps and reads stories... kisses his cheek and pats his head... It's not fair.]
It's not fair.
[chokes it out quietly, heart thoroughly flattened and reading too much into everything
He turns off the comm, leaves it behind, and escapes his room before he can even hear Ned say his name.]
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[Somewhat pleading and very insistent and way too late. Also way too late - arriving to knock at the kid's door, and he's somewhat pissed that he never insisted upon being allowed access, but that's just - the moment - after long enough he determines that he's not going to get any answer whether in person or by comms.
And that... all he can think of is that Takeshi has gone out into the ship, done something stupid, like Heather or Wichita and that he won't come back or will come back wrong. Irrational. Takeshi - knows better - right?]
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It only takes two tries for her to decide fuck it and run from the kitchens to his room. Barely notices Netherlands as she waves Takeshi's door open, and when his room is empty and his communicator left laying there like that - ]
Fuck!
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Uh. What?]
Told ya not to...
[And then he shuts up because this is probably not the time, is it.]
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His eyes always give him away.]
Were you talking to him? Before you came here?
[There's a definite sharp edge in the question.]
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Yeah.
[Factual. Just as sharp in return, but nothing about it has to do with her. It's just easier that way.]
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He start asking you things about family?
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[At that he tilts his head, more than curious, bordering on demanding; Heather, what do you know.]
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[She doesn't know anything, but she's got an idea and it's not a nice one. If she's right then she really fucked up, and it's hard to imagine him doing any better.]
What'd you say to him?
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[She is going to punch him, isn't she, he shifts his weight and squares his shoulders in some sort of subconscious preparation.]
Had a disagreement.
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What did you say?
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I - said I wasn't good family.
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[Not like she was expecting better, but it's way worse knowing they both fucked it up at the same time.
The little guy must feel so alone. It's like a fist to the gut, and rather than look at Takeshi's empty room and the hopeful little drawings in there she turns it outward, to anger.]
You get what he was asking us for, don't you. Why he might feel like he'd need that here.
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and she's standing here talking to him, slamming her head against a brick wall instead of doing something about it.]
Get out of my way.
[He's not... actually in her way. That doesn't stop her shouldering past him.]
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Because keeping her from doing something stupid is equally as important.]
Us.
[Netherlands that is kind of a belated inquiry.]
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Us. He asked me if I want to be a mom, and by the time I realized what he was really asking me something scared him off. I have to find him.
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What was - [Takeshi asking, but now isn't the time - there's no huff and hardly a pause between the topic switch, and the only tell that he even noticed that barbed something of hers is that his eyes go to the floor, hidden away from hers.] Where are you going, then.
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[The implication being and you're holding me up. No trace of doubt about it working; she's done it before, why shouldn't she able to do it again? But he's hurting, and even if he's just holed up here with someone else she needs to find him, needs to explain.]
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[Eyes back up from the floor, but he's staring at his hand like it's a puzzle. Or maybe a lock - say the right thing and it'll open.]
I'm gonna call Jaye, or Ty- [Ah.] Maybe ask Lodewijk, first.
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He's not an errand you can just send somebody to run for you! He needs to know that somebody gives a shit! I can find him, I've done it before. I've always been able to find people.
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