[Apparently he can look her in the eye all of a sudden, and she almost - almost - wants to back down. He wouldn't mean to hurt the kid, she knows that, but she also knows that doesn't make it hurt any less when he does.
She should have figured it out faster. If she'd been on the other line saying all the right things while Netherlands was apparently saying all the wrong ones then Takeshi would have come to her instead of wherever he's gone, she'd be holding him and explaining instead of standing here trying to think of a way to do what she used to do -
- but guilt, fear, they slow her down. Anger, that's what gets her through. She glares right back, and her voice drops in pitch and volume.]
[There's a desperate edge to it that he doesn't want to hear, was afraid he might hear, because with him that's always been the turning point where shit got ugly - things get a lot less rational, a lot more messy. And it can't get messy, there's no time for it, but telling himself that doesn't stop the feeling or the grimace that mars his face as worry starts to seep in with the anger.
[Not the corridors. He might be sad and hurt but he's good, a good kid. She already knows it takes more than a betrayal to stop him from being loyal, he won't go where they've told him he shouldn't. Somewhere he can feel safe. Upper floors of the passenger decks, or the gardens - but how likely that is when he knows they both work there she's not sure.
It'd be a lot easier to think if he'd let go of her goddamn arm. She barely even notices she's pulling on it.]
Not out - [His lips flatten and he huffs, watching her try to pull away. Does she even know what she's doing with that? Probably not.] Stop trying to get away. You're makin' it worse.
[Pointedly staring at his hand, gone a little shaky with how hard he's trying not to put more force into his grasp. Ironically it'd be a hell of a lot easier to let go if Takeshi was around, this probably looks bad - though it doesn't seem to worry her like it's worrying him. Just. Pissing her off.]
[It's not worrying her. Making her angry, yeah, but it's not until he says that and she follows the line of his vision to his hand that she realizes he's not just being an ass about it. Does he get a pass on using his greater strength to get his own way if the only reason it's so bad is the mask?
She stops pulling, but it's a tense stillness. A steel-spined quiet in which she stares at his eyes and tamps down the childish urge to pop him in the nose for not playing fair, or the decidedly nastier urge to flat-out ask him whether, if she jerked away as hard as she could, he'd be able to let go or he'd just pull her arm from its socket. Ignores the last part, because there's nothing she can say that she wouldn't regret later, and frowns. She doesn't need to hear the rest of the sentence to know what it was going to be.]
[Christ, the thought of Takeshi being distraught enough to run away turns his stomach and the guilt he's been shoving aside in order to focus on the problem hits him hard enough that he sucks in a breath. Swiftly ducks his head and shuts his eyes while scrubbing a hand over his face, voice strained as he curses.]
Goddamn it.
[That is not going to help find Takeshi any faster, so he pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to center himself, shifts his grip so that he's holding her hand instead of her arm. Nods. Finally drops his hand from his face and opens his eyes again even if he doesn't feel like facing her disappointment.]
[Because he is not, unlike certain other people in the room who are too worried to recognize the irony in having such a thought, a reckless little shit.
Seeing Netherlands actually show his concern softens her a little, drains some of the fight from her. Having him hold her hand instead of her arm isn't exactly an improvement - at least the arm felt honest - but she sighs, nods, starts to agree and interrupts herself.]
Wait.
[Her hand goes from limply tolerating his grip to an insistent squeeze as the thought hits.]
If you see him, what're you gonna say?
[The kid can run like a steam engine, and they already know he's perfectly capable of throwing the man. If he gets it wrong again, she might have to cancel her bet on the hallways deal.]
[He's holding her hand more for his personal reassurance than out of a wish to keep her in place. She doesn't look like she's going to take off at any second and she's said she wouldn't search out there, and unless Takeshi makes a break for it he believes her - so he's pretty sure he could let go if he wanted to. But she squeezes his hand and he squeezes back automatically, chin jerking up as he snaps to attention, only for his face to fall, shoulders slightly slumped because he has no fucking clue.]
I dunno. [The other hand rakes through his hair as he frowns.] What should I... [Sigh.] Besides apologize.
[Even he's not that horrible at socialization. Definitely gotta apologize. But the rest he desperately needs some guidance with and even if Heather isn't great at tact in general she's wonderful with Takeshi.]
And tell 'im - mm.
[Easier to show than say, so he reaches up to lightly tap two fingers over her heart.]
that's not going to cut it. It's hard for him, she gets that, but Takeshi is five and lonely and hurting. She sighs, and it's a sound born of knowing she's going to ask for something to which the answer'll probably be no.]
I don't think he's gonna get that. I won't ask you to lie to him and act like you're okay with being what he wants, but I know you can be what he needs.
[She's clinging to his hand now, and barely aware of her grip.]
He won't? [Genuine confusion in his voice, expression too. Takeshi's smart and it seems like an obvious enough gesture, but - he purses his mouth.] Or it won't be good enough, you mean.
[Then that won't do. Takeshi deserves the best. He makes up his mind right there, that yes, he's going to, and though that's not what he says he may as well. Someone as familiar with his body language as she is probably knows what that sudden determination means. New task to take care of.]
I'll try.
[He picks up her hand and puts it in both of his, rubs smoothing motions with his thumbs. Briefly casts a glance out to the hallway before looking down at their hands.]
I like being what he - [sigh, and another glance toward the door, like he has to make sure they're not being listened to] - why the hell does the name matter so much.
[The kid's smart as hell, smarter that she was at his age (any of the.. three times she was his age), but he's also a kid. How's he supposed to believe they love him when neither of them understood what he was asking until it was too late unless they tell him? But then Netherlands is picking himself up like he does and she's both relieved and briefly, stupidly, selfishly jealous.
It only lasts a heartbeat, until he cradles her hand in his, and then she's shaking her head as he speaks.]
'cause it makes it more real? 'cause he's never had a matching set?
[She sighs, drops her face. Brushes her lips over the knuckles of one of his hands, not a kiss so much as a wordless apology. Why Takeshi left isn't important. What matters is that they bring him back.]
I don't get it either, but if he needs me to let him call me mom before he believes it then I'll do it.
[That one little touch does wonders for soothing his nerves and instead of brooding over the why he tilts his head, eyes warm, gives her a weak little smile of thanks instead of leaning forward to kiss her like he wants to. At least they're good again, from the looks of it.
The warmth fades away over a few confused blinks as he takes apart that last sentence and puts it together again, and isn't sure if he gets it or not.]
Uh. Y'mean he won't believe it unless I let 'im call me family.
[Kids, how do they fucking work. He looks pretty damn horrified about that statement, though, and he's hoping he misinterpreted it.]
[The fact there's a but there is pretty obvious, really. It'd be a hell of a lot easier if he did, but no matter how hard Takeshi might want it there's no way Netherlands is going to be able to sell it.]
Just let him know how you feel. Once he gets that, the words aren't gonna matter so much.
[She'd know. And she'll do the heavy lifting, the words and the explaining. It'll work. It has to.]
[A grunt, and he shakes his head - no, he really doesn't think it'll be that easy, as much as he'd like to believe her. But if it looks like it's going to be either losing Takeshi or putting up with being called dad, the choice isn't even a choice.]
You didn't hear him. It - it matters. A lot. Don't think he understands what I am -
[Shit, his voice is sounding kind of ragged and he can't get that choked not fair out of his head. Focus, moron, find the goddamned kid and save the rest of the bitching for Lodewijk, after. So he clears his throat and gives her hand a squeeze of thanks, wonders for a second if he should tell her he's nervous or if it's written all over his face anyway - decides that it won't accomplish anything but wasting precious time and keeps his mouth shut.]
[That seems... obvious. She doesn't understand what he is either. Knows the theory, sees some of the ways it makes him different, how it weighs on him, but understanding? That's a big ask. Then again, it's not really the point.]
Probably not. But he knows you.
[Because they're two different things, as far as she can see, and the latter is infinitely more important. Looking at his face, the anxiety painted clear on it, she wants to do something - kiss him, tell him she's sorry for what she said - but there's really only one thing that's going to make them feel better.]
We're gonna fix this.
[An answering squeeze and then she loosens her fingers, starts to draw her hand back. We have to go, Netherlands.]
[But he knows you basically short-circuits whatever he was thinking of, and after blinking and knitting his brows and pursing his mouth before opening it only to snap it shut again, the rest of what she said filters in and he latches onto that instead.
He lets her hand go and shoves his into his pockets, sends another fretting look out the door. If she finds Takeshi first, maybe, because he's still not convinced he'll be able to do more than fuck everything up all over again without her around.
[Probably didn't need saying. There's something that does though, after all her shouting and accusing, so before she goes - already plotting out paths and an inventory - she raises her hand and presses it briefly over his heart before she turns and crosses into her own room.]
He spends a few wasted moments being sappy and rubbing his hand over his heart while looking after her as she goes.
That's actually very reassuring, so he nods to himself, looks around the room, and bucks up. Goes out on the hunt for one pain in the ass child who isn't even his but who should be.]
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She should have figured it out faster. If she'd been on the other line saying all the right things while Netherlands was apparently saying all the wrong ones then Takeshi would have come to her instead of wherever he's gone, she'd be holding him and explaining instead of standing here trying to think of a way to do what she used to do -
- but guilt, fear, they slow her down. Anger, that's what gets her through. She glares right back, and her voice drops in pitch and volume.]
Let go.
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[There's a desperate edge to it that he doesn't want to hear, was afraid he might hear, because with him that's always been the turning point where shit got ugly - things get a lot less rational, a lot more messy. And it can't get messy, there's no time for it, but telling himself that doesn't stop the feeling or the grimace that mars his face as worry starts to seep in with the anger.
They can't both leave him. They can't.]
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[Not the corridors. He might be sad and hurt but he's good, a good kid. She already knows it takes more than a betrayal to stop him from being loyal, he won't go where they've told him he shouldn't. Somewhere he can feel safe. Upper floors of the passenger decks, or the gardens - but how likely that is when he knows they both work there she's not sure.
It'd be a lot easier to think if he'd let go of her goddamn arm. She barely even notices she's pulling on it.]
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[Pointedly staring at his hand, gone a little shaky with how hard he's trying not to put more force into his grasp. Ironically it'd be a hell of a lot easier to let go if Takeshi was around, this probably looks bad - though it doesn't seem to worry her like it's worrying him. Just. Pissing her off.]
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She stops pulling, but it's a tense stillness. A steel-spined quiet in which she stares at his eyes and tamps down the childish urge to pop him in the nose for not playing fair, or the decidedly nastier urge to flat-out ask him whether, if she jerked away as hard as she could, he'd be able to let go or he'd just pull her arm from its socket. Ignores the last part, because there's nothing she can say that she wouldn't regret later, and frowns. She doesn't need to hear the rest of the sentence to know what it was going to be.]
I'm not gonna look for him where he won't be.
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[Christ, the thought of Takeshi being distraught enough to run away turns his stomach and the guilt he's been shoving aside in order to focus on the problem hits him hard enough that he sucks in a breath. Swiftly ducks his head and shuts his eyes while scrubbing a hand over his face, voice strained as he curses.]
Goddamn it.
[That is not going to help find Takeshi any faster, so he pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to center himself, shifts his grip so that he's holding her hand instead of her arm. Nods. Finally drops his hand from his face and opens his eyes again even if he doesn't feel like facing her disappointment.]
Okay. I'll try Lodewijk first, this floor.
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[Because he is not, unlike certain other people in the room who are too worried to recognize the irony in having such a thought, a reckless little shit.
Seeing Netherlands actually show his concern softens her a little, drains some of the fight from her. Having him hold her hand instead of her arm isn't exactly an improvement - at least the arm felt honest - but she sighs, nods, starts to agree and interrupts herself.]
Wait.
[Her hand goes from limply tolerating his grip to an insistent squeeze as the thought hits.]
If you see him, what're you gonna say?
[The kid can run like a steam engine, and they already know he's perfectly capable of throwing the man. If he gets it wrong again, she might have to cancel her bet on the hallways deal.]
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I dunno. [The other hand rakes through his hair as he frowns.] What should I... [Sigh.] Besides apologize.
[Even he's not that horrible at socialization. Definitely gotta apologize. But the rest he desperately needs some guidance with and even if Heather isn't great at tact in general she's wonderful with Takeshi.]
And tell 'im - mm.
[Easier to show than say, so he reaches up to lightly tap two fingers over her heart.]
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that's not going to cut it. It's hard for him, she gets that, but Takeshi is five and lonely and hurting. She sighs, and it's a sound born of knowing she's going to ask for something to which the answer'll probably be no.]
I don't think he's gonna get that. I won't ask you to lie to him and act like you're okay with being what he wants, but I know you can be what he needs.
[She's clinging to his hand now, and barely aware of her grip.]
You think you could tell him? Just once?
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[Then that won't do. Takeshi deserves the best. He makes up his mind right there, that yes, he's going to, and though that's not what he says he may as well. Someone as familiar with his body language as she is probably knows what that sudden determination means. New task to take care of.]
I'll try.
[He picks up her hand and puts it in both of his, rubs smoothing motions with his thumbs. Briefly casts a glance out to the hallway before looking down at their hands.]
I like being what he - [sigh, and another glance toward the door, like he has to make sure they're not being listened to] - why the hell does the name matter so much.
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It only lasts a heartbeat, until he cradles her hand in his, and then she's shaking her head as he speaks.]
'cause it makes it more real? 'cause he's never had a matching set?
[She sighs, drops her face. Brushes her lips over the knuckles of one of his hands, not a kiss so much as a wordless apology. Why Takeshi left isn't important. What matters is that they bring him back.]
I don't get it either, but if he needs me to let him call me mom before he believes it then I'll do it.
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The warmth fades away over a few confused blinks as he takes apart that last sentence and puts it together again, and isn't sure if he gets it or not.]
Uh. Y'mean he won't believe it unless I let 'im call me family.
[Kids, how do they fucking work. He looks pretty damn horrified about that statement, though, and he's hoping he misinterpreted it.]
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[The fact there's a but there is pretty obvious, really. It'd be a hell of a lot easier if he did, but no matter how hard Takeshi might want it there's no way Netherlands is going to be able to sell it.]
Just let him know how you feel. Once he gets that, the words aren't gonna matter so much.
[She'd know. And she'll do the heavy lifting, the words and the explaining. It'll work. It has to.]
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You didn't hear him. It - it matters. A lot. Don't think he understands what I am -
[Shit, his voice is sounding kind of ragged and he can't get that choked not fair out of his head. Focus, moron, find the goddamned kid and save the rest of the bitching for Lodewijk, after. So he clears his throat and gives her hand a squeeze of thanks, wonders for a second if he should tell her he's nervous or if it's written all over his face anyway - decides that it won't accomplish anything but wasting precious time and keeps his mouth shut.]
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Probably not. But he knows you.
[Because they're two different things, as far as she can see, and the latter is infinitely more important. Looking at his face, the anxiety painted clear on it, she wants to do something - kiss him, tell him she's sorry for what she said - but there's really only one thing that's going to make them feel better.]
We're gonna fix this.
[An answering squeeze and then she loosens her fingers, starts to draw her hand back. We have to go, Netherlands.]
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He lets her hand go and shoves his into his pockets, sends another fretting look out the door. If she finds Takeshi first, maybe, because he's still not convinced he'll be able to do more than fuck everything up all over again without her around.
Something else to discuss with Lodewijk, then.]
Okay. Tell me if - y'know.
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[Probably didn't need saying. There's something that does though, after all her shouting and accusing, so before she goes - already plotting out paths and an inventory - she raises her hand and presses it briefly over his heart before she turns and crosses into her own room.]
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He spends a few wasted moments being sappy and rubbing his hand over his heart while looking after her as she goes.
That's actually very reassuring, so he nods to himself, looks around the room, and bucks up. Goes out on the hunt for one pain in the ass child who isn't even his but who should be.]