I dunno... I just heard people talking about stuff like that — I wanted to know stuff about you! 'Cus it's good to know stuff about each other. I think.
... Are you ever gonna? Do you ever wanna be a real dad?
Mm. [Reasonable enough, he thinks. Except his long intake of breath at the second question - too slow for a gasp, more like a sucking in of breath - it's audible.] I can't.
W—well, that's okay! You can have kids without being their real dad! Right??
[He turns red, suddenly a little more scared; maybe he's making a mistake. He lightens his voice, sounding supportive. Or proud. Some strange fond tone of a kid who wants to do nothing but make Netherlands content with him.]
You don't gotta be normal people, I like you like you are.
[Apparently that didn't get through at all and he's at a complete loss as to how to explain it. When he speaks it's almost sighed, an afterthought while he scrambles for anything at all.]
Not... no.
[How to explain this to someone who doesn't understand what he is, it's like - wait.]
Takeshi? [He's not sure if he's ever heard a tone like that from the kid before. It's enough to throw him completely out of his thoughts, and he makes no effort to hide the concern.] What the hell is - I mean. What're you doing.
I... just... wanted to know more about you. I wanted to know if you wanted to be a dad! C-cuz' I don't know if you--that's, if that's something important you wanted. Family's important, right!
[Why... does he suddenly feel like a complete ass. He's not sure but he'll keep trudging through it anyway, still sounding like every syllable might set off a landmine.]
I'd suck at it. Mm - have sucked at it. I'm not good at... uh. Not really a good brother.
[Oh, no. No, nono, you're supposed to be family — how can you be a dad if you can't even be family? This isn't right at all; he has to fix this. And the only way he can think of is to reaffirm. Even if his voice is a little nervous now, it gains some gall.]
[There it comes out, soft but decisive and slightly admonishing - do you really want to hear this, Takeshi? Do you? He's already said he's not, but he'll lay down the evidence if needs be.]
[He shakes his head; yeah, he's scared of that tone, but they said to try — he just. Doesn't know how to even begin to explain how he feels. He isn't sure how to bypass that scary little tone and he's too afraid to let Netherlands speak. But now his train of thought is derailed; he has no idea how to lay it all on the table.]
You're good family! You can fix the things you don't like! You're good!
[Oh, Christ, he wants to scoop the kid up and he even sounds like it - like it physically pains him to be so far apart when they're speaking like this.]
Don't promise when it's not a real promise! [Because he knows you're a good dad. Even if you think you're not. Even if you'd mess up a lot — you're a good dad. You and Kaze, you're the good guys. You're good!] I know you're — it's not like that, because I love you like you are and you make the best d —
It's not like that!!
[His voice raises in frustration, slowly building little by little with hurt.]
[The swell of pride that threatens to choke probably speaks just as much as that frustrated little voice. It is a real promise, or so he thinks, and the kid is probably delusioned, has the Heather problem of seeing things only in a good light.
So he lets out a long breath and tries not to spit out anything stupid.]
You... [oh jesus christ you love him] Takeshi?
[Do they actually have to do this over the network he is horrible with these sorts of things and hates the network on principle.]
[He's about to tell him something he doesn't want to hear. He's gonna — tell him he wishes he never had to take care of him, that it would have been easier. He's gonna tell him that it can't work, won't work, sorry. All those people were wrong, he'll say, and he doesn't want to be family. Family. After so much learning, learning that 'family' isn't always someone ignoring you and people hurting you... learning you can sit on someone's shoulder or take cute pictures with them or get food, eat together...
He's gonna turn him away.
He said he couldn't be a dad. Said he wasn't good family.
He doesn't want him, does he? Not like how Takeshi hoped for. But it's not fair that he treats him like this... gives him food, bathes him, takes naps and reads stories... kisses his cheek and pats his head... It's not fair.]
It's not fair.
[chokes it out quietly, heart thoroughly flattened and reading too much into everything
He turns off the comm, leaves it behind, and escapes his room before he can even hear Ned say his name.]
[Somewhat pleading and very insistent and way too late. Also way too late - arriving to knock at the kid's door, and he's somewhat pissed that he never insisted upon being allowed access, but that's just - the moment - after long enough he determines that he's not going to get any answer whether in person or by comms.
And that... all he can think of is that Takeshi has gone out into the ship, done something stupid, like Heather or Wichita and that he won't come back or will come back wrong. Irrational. Takeshi - knows better - right?]
It only takes two tries for her to decide fuck it and run from the kitchens to his room. Barely notices Netherlands as she waves Takeshi's door open, and when his room is empty and his communicator left laying there like that - ]
[Buddy, it is so not the time you have no idea. And she's about to say something to that effect, explain why she's so worried, when she turns and gets a good look at his face. His eyes.
[His eyes say so much more than the rest of him does, and now is no exception. He's worried. He thinks he fucked it all up. He's worrying over the worst of things, that Takeshi ran out into the middle of the ship or curled up to someone who shouldn't be near him or is confused and scared and most of all alone.]
Yeah.
[Factual. Just as sharp in return, but nothing about it has to do with her. It's just easier that way.]
[More than enough. Her eyes leave his face, casting about the room to see if anything's gone that might give some sort of clue to Takeshi's location (nothing is, that she can see - apparently when he left, he just plain left) and her right hand balling up at her side, so tight her knuckles pop.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Voice]
... Are you ever gonna? Do you ever wanna be a real dad?
[Voice]
[To both.]
[Voice]
Why not?
[Voice]
[Goddamn how does he explain this.]
Nations can't have kids. Not like - like normal people do.
[Voice]
[He turns red, suddenly a little more scared; maybe he's making a mistake. He lightens his voice, sounding supportive. Or proud. Some strange fond tone of a kid who wants to do nothing but make Netherlands content with him.]
You don't gotta be normal people, I like you like you are.
[Voice]
Not... no.
[How to explain this to someone who doesn't understand what he is, it's like -
wait.]
Takeshi? [He's not sure if he's ever heard a tone like that from the kid before. It's enough to throw him completely out of his thoughts, and he makes no effort to hide the concern.] What the hell is - I mean. What're you doing.
[Voice]
[Voice]
Kinda. Friends are better. Real friends. [#life lessons with nederland]
[Voice]
There's a pause. His voice is softer. Disappointed.]
You don't want a family?
[Voice]
I'd suck at it. Mm - have sucked at it. I'm not good at... uh. Not really a good brother.
[Honesty Hour over here.]
[Voice]
No way! You'd be a good family! Even if you gotta fix being a good brother, you're — you'd be good family! Seriously good!!
[Voice]
[And that is that. End of discussion. He doesn't even append a "kiddo" to the end of it like he halfway wants to.]
[Voice]
[Oh, no. No, nono, you're supposed to be family — how can you be a dad if you can't even be family? This isn't right at all; he has to fix this. And the only way he can think of is to reaffirm. Even if his voice is a little nervous now, it gains some gall.]
You're good family!
[Voice]
[There it comes out, soft but decisive and slightly admonishing - do you really want to hear this, Takeshi? Do you? He's already said he's not, but he'll lay down the evidence if needs be.]
[Voice]
You're good family! You can fix the things you don't like! You're good!
[Voice]
I'm not. I promise.
[Voice]
It's not like that!!
[His voice raises in frustration, slowly building little by little with hurt.]
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[The swell of pride that threatens to choke probably speaks just as much as that frustrated little voice. It is a real promise, or so he thinks, and the kid is probably delusioned, has the Heather problem of seeing things only in a good light.
So he lets out a long breath and tries not to spit out anything stupid.]
You... [oh jesus christ you love him] Takeshi?
[Do they actually have to do this over the network he is horrible with these sorts of things and hates the network on principle.]
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He's gonna turn him away.
He said he couldn't be a dad. Said he wasn't good family.
He doesn't want him, does he? Not like how Takeshi hoped for. But it's not fair that he treats him like this... gives him food, bathes him, takes naps and reads stories... kisses his cheek and pats his head... It's not fair.]
It's not fair.
[chokes it out quietly, heart thoroughly flattened and reading too much into everything
He turns off the comm, leaves it behind, and escapes his room before he can even hear Ned say his name.]
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[Somewhat pleading and very insistent and way too late. Also way too late - arriving to knock at the kid's door, and he's somewhat pissed that he never insisted upon being allowed access, but that's just - the moment - after long enough he determines that he's not going to get any answer whether in person or by comms.
And that... all he can think of is that Takeshi has gone out into the ship, done something stupid, like Heather or Wichita and that he won't come back or will come back wrong. Irrational. Takeshi - knows better - right?]
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It only takes two tries for her to decide fuck it and run from the kitchens to his room. Barely notices Netherlands as she waves Takeshi's door open, and when his room is empty and his communicator left laying there like that - ]
Fuck!
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Uh. What?]
Told ya not to...
[And then he shuts up because this is probably not the time, is it.]
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His eyes always give him away.]
Were you talking to him? Before you came here?
[There's a definite sharp edge in the question.]
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Yeah.
[Factual. Just as sharp in return, but nothing about it has to do with her. It's just easier that way.]
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He start asking you things about family?
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